My boyfriend says that I've been weird since last week.
I didnt notice.

But it is hard to be 'normal' when you have things that you KNOW you have to deal with..like the imminent death of my father.
While I wasnt close to him, his death is going to have an impact, one that I am just bracing myself for.
My brother lives with me, so when this thing does happen, I have to see how it affects him. Once was enough thanks.
My sister feels as if the brunt of everything is falling on her, and she has her family to see about. She feels stressed and I wish I could help her, but I have nothing inside of me to care about this too much.

So yes, I am acting weird.

Today was a hard day.

steups

we all think so.....

It was tough to get up this morning, but I did.
I didnt eat breakfast at home, so I TRIED to get something at the school's cafeteria, but all they had was doughnuts. What a thing to feed already hyper boy children. I ate a doughnut and I was hyper for a while.

I gave my form fours the period free. I have been pushing them really hard and pumping them with a lot of info, so I gave them a rest today. It was nice just chatting. My babies are growing up yes. I remember when they came in in form one, now they have facial hair and girlfriends.

Today was our first football match. We lost 5-1 to Bon Air. Steups. One thing that impacted me about that match was that the Bon Air team came out of the changing room holding hands. That was so great. I know if we asked our team to do that, they would say that is gay man ting.
*sigh*

My under 14 team promised me a great match on Friday. I know they will get their promise. I made 5$ off of them on Monday.

Now my bf paid me a surprise visit. He too sweet!

Today was a wow day.

I decided to go to 615 mass this morning and I must say I enjoyed that service. It was quicker and more intimate. I stayed back after the service to lift up all my prayers and concerns to God. While I was doing this, a lady tapped me on my shoulder and told me to read PSalm 27. Some of the Psalm made sense to me.

Today was Parent's meeting for the Form Fives. Of course the parents you want to see never turn up. One parent got me so mad eh. First of all she sat down on the chair without saying going, then I told her that her son os not only weak in Spanish and I would not be signing him up, but he has an attitude to go along with it. She just looked at me when I was done and got up and left. She said NOTHING! Now I can see why her son has an attitude.

I paid all my bills today. TSTT gets TOO much money from me. But I was glad to see the line was very short today.

I came home and slept. Then I went out to a Praise and Worship service in Petit Bourg. Again, small and intimate. The topic was death and I got up and spoke. I spoke about my co-worker which was my first experience with death, but I also spoke about my father..briefly mind you.
Everyone is talking about making peace, but I dont know how to. I mean it would require some sort of repentance on his part. Boffing him at this time doesnt make any sense, so I guess I have to find peace all on my own..as usual.

Today was a good day.
YAY!

Yesterday was an interesting day yes.
I cooked for my boyfriend and I must say the food was good and NO not lentils peas Piggy!

The secret ingredient really is love yes. I know my mommy cooked with a lot of that.

We took a sleep together, he helped me with the preparation of the meal, it was nice....dream-like even....

But then he had to go home.

I cant wait for the time he doesnt have to.......

Yesterday was an interesting day yes.
I cooked for my boyfriend and I must say the food was good and NO not lentils peas Piggy!

The secret ingredient really is love yes. I know my mommy cooked with a lot of that.

We took a sleep together, he helped me with the preparation of the meal, it was nice....dream-like even....

But then he had to go home.

I cant wait for the time he doesnt have to.......

wow!

I just had a long conversation with my mother. And I thought I was bitter about this whole things....sheesh!

It seems as if my father has a track record of treating people poorly, so his children would be no different. He cursed his aunt, his uncle, his sister, his brothers, my mother, my sister, my brother, me.... he is leaning on us for help, but where are those people he used to drink with? Where are they now? He used to go out the road and help a lady named Dolly sell doubles. Where is she now? All my lit books from school, all the novels I collected, just thrown away.

*sigh*

hear nah!!!

Old time calypso SWEET!!!

I watching a documentary on Gayelle here about Stalin. He has some nice songs. I always liked the song he sang with Ella Andell about the black man needed love and support from his wife when things get rough. I remember Burn Dem. Loved that one. Real fire in that song!
Rich, ent you know these songs?

And I also remember I was going to school one morning and I heard an old calypso by Spoiler( I think) about telling his woman to write the names of all her male relatives, because everytime he saw her, she always with some man. heh heh heh

Talk about sweet.

I might not be a big fan of the mas but I love calypso.

My bf wants to be a teacher yes. I like that. And talking to him, he seems to have some excellent ideas.

I can safely say that teaching is not just a paycheck for me. I love my job. At times it's really tough, but I can say the rewards are much better.

Rewards in teaching are intrinsic in nature and while I might not be able to deposit that into a bank, they make my job very fulfilling.

I hope my baby gets those kinda rewards too.

My father was discharged yesterday. I guess my brother and sister are a lil relieved.

Tuesday and Wednesday were emotionally tiring days. But after a good lime last night, I was good.

We went Tony Roma's. Needless to say, that is not my kinda place. But the lime was real cool. Then we went to take a peek at Karaoke night. That was interesting as well, but again, not my kinda place. I mean, there were old people there...ugh!

We went to Ambassador's to see what the scene was, but it was 70$ free drinks. We decided we couldnt pay that amt for an hour because we were all tired from the long day at school.

My friend was so cool to take me for a lil visit to my boyfriend's house. It was only for two mins, but it was so sweet.

Today is a day of rest and relaxation. Yay!

I can remember when my brother came home from the hospital. I was five. I was standing upstairs and I saw my mother enter the yard holding this small bundle.

Now my brother towers over me and he's only nineteen.

He has been shielded from alot of things because he was always the youngest .
So this new situation that he is dealing with is hitting him very hard.

I decided to cook a nice meal for him. Then it struck me....it had to take this bad situation to make me realise how important my brother is to me.....

.....the same reason I am upset with my father.

Maybe it runs in the fucking family.

:(

This morning started off bad.

I was getting ready for breakfast when the phone rang. I thought it was my bf calling me for a morning chat. It was my father's woman (honestly I dont know what to call her. She called to tell me that he wanted to see all three of us to talk to us. Bleh number one...

So I called my sister. I wanted to go on Friday, she said Friday might be too late, so we should go today. Bleh number 2.......I wasnt too pleased at all. But I was curious to hear what he wanted to talk to us about.

When I saw him, I must say I was shocked. He got really small. Just seeing him on the bed was gut wrenching enough, but then behind me I heard sobs. It was my brother, my little brother. We dont get along splendidly, but I didnt like seeing him like that. That broke my heart.

Daddy spoke mostly to my sister. He gave her some instructions to carry out. So then he asked for me. I thought I would hear, "I'm sorry", something introspectful, something from within. He had time to think about his life, I'm sure, some lasting words that I can pass on.

He just told me to call his woman to find out how she is going and how he is going....I will try to do it because she doesnt have to do any of the stuff she is doing. But it was disappointing. I expected more.

What was annoying to me in some sense was the reaching out that was taking place. Why wasnt that done when he was well??? I try all the time to tell people how I feel about them. He had some many opportunities eh..he told my brother to be strong...he could have had said that during a nice man to man talk. He called me baby..I only take that from my boyfriend, but why couldnt he have called me that all the time?? Why wait until you are sick?? SHIT MAN!!!! SHIT!!!

I dont know how or what to feel. I kept thinking if that were any other member of my family...how would I be???

bleh..so many thoughts going through my head....hope to process them soon.

Today was a normal day yes.
Nothing new. My form class is beginning to annoy me.
Bleh....

We have to do assembly tomorrow. I hope they remember what they practised.


I went to taebo today. Surprisingly enough I lasted. Maybe it was that extra exercise over the weekend..... heh heh heh.

I am tired and sore, but I'll be back on Thursday.

Taking into consideration what my father is enduring right now, it might be bitchy to say that I had a great weekend.

I need to just get away, and luckily I could do that by my bf.
He was attentive and caring and let me cry when I needed to. I got all my hugs and kisses.
I feel good enough to make it through the week.

Thanks, baby.

:)

I am lot better today than I am yesterday.

Before, when I was hurting, I used to dig deep down within myself to find the strength to move forward. But now I am leaning on people.

Is that good or bad?

Last night I was up late and I was listening to my tapes...yes TAPES..lol.. and I heard this song and it made me smile from ears to ears (I think I put these lyrics before but nothing is wrong with a second dose. This is a lovely song) :


So beautiful, you are, yeah
Soooooooo
Yes, you are You're so...

(Chorus) Beautiful
Now you're near
In my life
Oh my dear
Beautiful
Come to me
Now I have- Someone watching over me

(Vs.1) All my days and nights so lonely
'Til you came into my life
You came and brought my life back to me
Cause I was dying deep inside
You brought the light
And my life was so dark
You took the fight
And you made it your own
I really love you
No other love can measure up
To the love that you give to me
And with all this love comes trust

You're so... (Chorus)

(Vs.2) I opened up my arms to greet you
With unconditional love
Tender sweet is he that helps me
Leave my problems all behind

(Baby come to me) Baby come to me.
You know that I will set you free
(Promise it will be) Promise it will be an experience for you and me
(Something beautiful) Let me take you to a place where there is understanding
Where love flows unselfishly and never ever demanding
(So beautiful...) So beautiful (...Since you came into my life)


You are so beautiful You're the only love I know
Beautiful You're the reason why I live
Beautiful You're the reason why I wanna give you everything

I was feeling really down last night. I cried a lot, then I went to bed early. At 1am, the phone rang, and when I answered it, this is what I heard:

SUDDENLY (Billy Ocean)

I used to think that love was just a fairy tale
Until that first hello until that first smile
But if I had to do it all again
I wouldn't change a thing
Cause this love is everlasting

Suddenly
life has new meaning to me
There's beauty up above and things we never take notice of
You wake up suddenly you're in love

Girl you're everything a man could want and more
One thousand words are not enough to say what I feel inside
Holding hands as we walk along the shore
Never felt like this before now you're all I'm living for

Each day I pray this love affair would last forever

There's beauty up above and things you never take notice of
You wake and suddenly you're in love

I was bawling on the phone while this song was playing...I'm crying now as I read the lyrics.

I just found out that my father is in the hospital and that the ward he is in means that he is on his last stretch. Plus my sister said that she had a dream where someone told her the same thing. Then adding to the fact that just this week I actually spoke about my father probably are lil nudges from God to tell me to do something.

I dont want to go see him. From what my brother told me, his face and leg are all swollen. I dont want that to be my last image. Considering what happened yesterday where I was actually contemplating if I should stay in teaching, this is a hell of a lot to deal with at this time.

I'm a strong person and if this week were a normal week, I probably would have gone, but I'm weak. I cant deal with this right now. I really cant. My brother-in-law said to go even if it's tokenism. That's not me. I dont do things just because.....whenever I do anything, it's because I want to do it.

What would I really say? What could I say?

"Thanks to you I dont take one sip of alcohol for fear of becoming an alcoholic? Thanks to you I have to constantly get my sugar levels tested? Thanks to you, I had NO self confidence whatsoever and was taken advantage of because of it and I had to find it in my 24th year of life?
When I was in the hospital for bronchitis, YOU never came to see...just my mother. My mother was the one who sat with me and brought me books to read and my favourite pyjamas when I was scared to be there. Where were you? How hard was it to be nice to your children? huh?
How hard was it to take my brother to football matches and cricket games? "


So you see, maybe it's best I dont go......

Thanks for listening to me. I was really upset and I need your support so much.

A student put a cellphone under a teacher's skirt and took a picture. Luckily an honest student confided to another teacher about the incident and it was dealt with immediately.

We had a meeting of all female staff members and a few of us dont feel safe. What makes these fuckers feel they can do things like that? What? How dare they????

The issue of dress came up. The principal thinks that we dress inappropriately to work. He believes we should conceal our figures. I just spent 500$ in clothes, clothes that fit my figure very snugly. I really dont intend to let those clothes sit there.

When you wear nice clothes, you feel good about yourself and you would do a better job. Please dont tell me that I have to wear a potato sack to work.

*sigh* ...this job.

Today was a tough day.

I got a headache. I didnt have a good breakfast this morning. So by lunchtime I had a bad headache. I got a painkiller from one of my coworkers and that helped, but I was VERY happy after, singing and dancing..singing cellphone rings.

LOL..it was fun though.

Today was an ok day.

I had to deal with a lil first form bacchanal today. Gosh they are beggining to unnerve me.
I had to make a phone call home to a boy's parents already!

I had a really good class with one form five, but with the other that went down hill. My form four class went really well. I enjoyed that class a lot. The topic was My family and I. I shared a lot about my family. Some of the students were able to identify with my family situation, which was cool. I actually admitted to my students that I dont know where my father is....

The form threes are proving to be a difficult group to teach, but I will fight up with them.

A young man was at the end of his rope, seeing no way out, he dropped to his knees in prayer.

"Lord, I can't go on," he said. "I have too heavy a cross to bear."
The Lord replied, "My son, if you can't bear its weight, just place your cross inside this room. Then, open that other door and pick out any cross you wish."

The man was filled with relief and said, "Thank you Lord," and he did as he was told.
Upon entering the other room, he saw many crosses; some so large the tops were not visible. Then, he spotted a tiny cross leaning against a far wall.
"I'd like that one, Lord," he whispered.

The Lord replied, "My son, that is the cross you just brought in."

When life's problems seem overwhelming, it helps to look around and see what other people are coping with. You may consider yourself far more fortunate than you imagined.

I think that a woman is a woman's own enemy eh, but sometimes the rapport between women is a special and fulfilling thing.

I had a chat with my friend Denise. She is my relationship guru. She is much older than me and has been married for 15 years, so she has a lot of experience. I was sharing with her some stuff about my relationship and she told me that I look content and that I seem to have found my piece of mind. She said that things dont faze me as much and I am not as angry as I used to be.

My friend Colin told me the same thing and my friend Alana said that I have a glow.

wow......

I arrived home at 750pm tonight. That meant I spent a lil more than 12 hours on the compound..NOT good.

But I met some parents tonight which is a good thing. One boy actually goes home and speaks Spanish with his family. Isnt that cool?

Today is our one year anniversary.

yeah!

Do you know what today is?

It's our anniversary, anniversary!!!

YEAH!!!


One year!!!

Baby, you can lean on me anytime...anytime.

I love you.

I got back from the Logos II around 745pm. I left Kayode's house 430pm. I didnt think it would take that long. I got some great books to occupy me for the while.
I got a Christmas CD for 6 bucks!
The Deal-Bag room was great. Got three Spanish textbooks, two of which came with tapes, for 50 bucks.

However, I sincerely hope the new boat they get is air conditioned. I think I sweat out 6 lbs yes.

these emotion filled weekends...boy....

again..always make us stronger but are a bitch to endure.

Friday was a good day yes.
Two limes in a row. I got in about 3am.
It's been a looong time since that has happened.

Yesterday just sucked. I was all set to go to the Logos II. When I got there, there was a sign saying that they would be closed till 5pm. STEUPS.

Luckily I got a drop.

Today was a good teaching day. I take them when I can.

My form fours are fantastic. They are my favourite class, closely followed by the form twos.
Form threes can go to **ll as far as I am concerned and Form Fives are on their way out anyway.

My form ones are cool but so easily distracted...

my poor boyfriend...having to deal with me when i am pmsing.

I was miserable last night and of course I called him to comfort me. I was saying all these statements that were so outtatiming. But he's a smart one. He knows it's pms and didnt get upset at all.

He was so schweet eh!

oh gosh..my baby...

why did I even bother?

Today I wanted to stay home. The weather was very gloomy, but I braved the rain and made it to school on time.

Classes were more or less normal; nothing major to complain about...at least I didnt have anything to complain about!

One of my good friends just found out that her ex is working on the same compound as she is. Now when we break up with someone, some distance is always a good thing. But to have the person who caused you some pain the same place as you!!

And you know the bastard didnt even have the balls to tell her where he was working!!! Luckily another friend bounced him up, and not her.

What a ting!

I would like to thank the Ministry of Education for the day off. It was great. I rested and relaxed.
Since I was prepared to go to school today, I dont have much to do tonight.

I would also like to thank God for sparing us.

Well dotish me didnt watch TV last night. So I didnt know there was no school today. SO last night I ironed my clothes and went to bed early to get up for school.

STEUPS!

Good ting my sister called yes.
After that, I sat down and had a lovely breakfast of bacon and toast with a hot cup of coffee and followed that with a banana.

Then I went back to sleep.

:D

Normally after school, I get a drop close to home. I didnt want to walk home from HiLo so I asked my friend to stop in at Tru Valu. There were long lines so I was hurrying trying to get all the things I needed to make spaghetti and meatballs.

I got home, took out the packet of meat to season, only to realise I took up minced goat!!!!
I was mortified. But I tried it. It's not bad at all.....


my brother just ate some and he didnt seem to notice the difference.

Hee hee hee.

hear nah!

I cant remember what her name is, but the lady who gave birth to the triplets had me steupsing here.

She had her first child at 14 and now at 28, and after her EIGHTH child, she now came upon tubal ligation.

Jeez man! Shouldnt she have learned her lesson after the first one? Where was her mother around the third or fourth child? Now she begging for assistance from Government. Government wasnt in the room with you when yuh was bulling, so doh call fuh my tax dollars now to help you.

Steups!

Today was a normal day yes. I taught my class, boff people up. Yup normal...

Gyad, school feeding start back...

Why do bad things have to happen for you to know how much you love somebody?

*sigh*

I was so mad this morning, mad enough to say Talk to me when all this is sorted out! and just walk out the door whatever the hour was, but I saw that he was in much pain as I was.
How could I leave him when he's hurting?

We are much stronger than we were before, if that is possible. I love him much more than before. He loves me more as well.

Good grief.. and the sex..well.....heh heh heh!!!

TLC made me better today. I didnt believe it myself. I had a bad headache. I got so many hugs and kisses that I think my boyfriend 'loved' the headache away yes! SERIOUS!!!

I was watching Gayelle last night and I was The Love Circle. What a great group. I loved all their songs and the messages behind them. They gave me the spiritual lift that I have been looking for for a while now; but that all left with the disappearance of my learner's permit. But I dont feel so despondent.

Next month when we have a staff development day, I will go down to Licensing and see what the deal is.

I just hope it turns up before then.....

GREAT! JUST GREAT!!

I lost my learner's permit.

Today had to be one of my best days.

It started off shitty with the traffic to school. Govt is constructing a pavement on the road leading to my school. They had the whole TWO months to do work, but of course they wait until school opened to finish the job. Some claptrap about no materials.

I had my form four class today. That class went so well.
Then I had form threes. I had the clowns. They were a disaster.
Then I had form twos. Gosh I was so impressed. They did better than my form fours!!!

The other classes were ok as well. All in all my day was a good one.

But the highlight was this afternoon. The secretary called to tell me there is a present in the office for me from one of my students who left. I am thinking it's a form five.
When I finally saw it, it was from a form one student who transferred to another school. The card said that I am a teacher that he will always remember. He gave me a bottle of Perry Ellis 360 degrees. It smells so divine.

It made me feel really good that I was just teaching a class and I made such an impact on a student.

I wish him all the best!

BIG UP TO GAYELLE!

I am watching an interview here with George Bovell 111. He looks so...normal. But this young man won a bronze medal! I am really proud. Hearing him talk about the technique he used for that swim, he put in a lot of work.

The youths should take a page from his book and I hope he gets to visit some schools before he goes back to his own in the States.

Today was my first day back at school. Feels like I never left.

I had fun with my first form class playing people's bingo. I think as a teacher you have to keep up with some of the things that your students are into. Good thing I have a boyfriend is a game peyong, so I could talk about games knowledgeably. I watch TV a lot as well as movies so of course Spiderman and Harry Potter were topics of discussion. Most of them agreed that Catwoman was mess. Good going!

I feel so despondent when I see the form fives. They just so blah.... no zest, no personality, but I guess that is better than having them wild all over the place.

I feel tired. But I have lots to plan for. In teaching you cant plan by days; you have to plan by weeks.

Sooo... I have lots of planning ahead of me.