My family is a disjointed one at best: My brother and I live here, my sister and her family lives there, my mother lives away and who knows where my father is?
I have always been the black sheep of the family. I was never a talkative person and my mother didnt like that. She used to call me "secret order" because I didnt tell her things like when I had a headache. In my head, I just didnt think it was important enough to tell her. I was never close to my mother. Never one to go to her and say "Mommy, I have a problem. Can I talk to you?" And I know why I dont..she reacts negatively too much. She doesnt listen very well and just reacts.

So I used to keep things to myself. Just sweep it under the carpet...until all that I had bottled up inside just finally had to come out..and surely it did..at the worst time.

When things bother me, i try to talk about it with someone. I used to talk to my friends about it but...our friendship has gone a different route.

Anyway, back to being a black sheep. I loved my solitude. My family never understood that,and they still dont, but at times I just had to be my myself, just had to. I still do that up to this day. If you were to ever go to a party with me, you would observe that I would just be quiet, taking in the crowd. I just need to be alone, yuh know?
I dont like being alone, but at times it's cool to be....

what's the point of all this, you may ask? Honestly, I dont know nah...lol
I just look back at my life and I would admit that it wasnt all that.It wasnt bad, but it could have been better.

That's why when I get older I want to have a family with a man that I truly and deeply love and do it DIFFERENTLY. My child would feel love all the time, never doubt. And of course the man that I have children with must show his love for them too. I dont know why but a father's love is so important.

Or who knows..maybe history will repeat itself and I'll end up with an alcoholic who doesnt show his children the time of day and who demeans them whenever he can.

*sigh*

well that's it..

I am officially LAZY!
I watch my pile of clothes and my pile of papers and i did nothing.
instead I am watching these rich girls spending money in a toy store.
I am a bit envious of all their money.
I wish i had that money..

I would buy myself a house (and send my brother by his mother)
and a car (so I wouldnt miss out on all those limes)
I would pay off all my loans and be debt free
I would hire a cook because I really hate cooking
I would travel all over the world
I would try to help people in need
*sigh*


what would you do if you had a lot of money?

To my baby,

I just want you to know that I am here for you. You mean so much to me, I dont know if you will ever fully know.
I will do whatever you need me to do to make this work.
It's hard and I miss you and I just want to make you feel better, but do what you must ok?

I love you.
I take those words very seriously.

What do people see when they see me?
I wonder...
I wish I could see myself thru their eyes.


People need to realise that anything that is said or done would have a different meaning to another person. I learned that in my counselling class.
Perception is a hell of a thing. Things that would bother you might not even make me flinch, and vice versa


I just realized something..I apologized to someone...and i didnt do anything wrong..she hasnt acknowledged my apology..maybe she hasnt seen it as yet...but this life is too short to hold grudges yes. I know that first hand.

You guys should see the stack of papers that I have to correct!

35x8

you do the math...then ppl want to tell me teachers have too much holidays????

hear nah..WE DESERVE IT!!
hey i should do a T shirt with that!!

Yuh know, I am so glad I went to university, and although my father promised to pay back my school loans I am glad to pay back for it since it's MY education
but....

it's keeping me back from getting my own car!

Public transportation is a bitch!!! Here's why:

Those drivers want to raise the price of the fares just like that. They dont use unleaded gas...why raise the prices? Now I have to pay $4.50 to go to work now??
My transportation budget has been increased by $40! that is plenty for someone living on their own. And dont talk about if I have to go to church in Diego and as well as conduct business and all that?? They want to kill the poor man.

They drive like asses. At least, if I have my own car, there is a level of responsibility to keep myself alive as well as other ppl on the road. Them mofos does want to drive real reckless when they ready.

people's BO...nothing is worse that sitting next to someone with bad BO. A night I was coming from class and I was sitting behind a woman with her hair open. The smell was noxious. I put my sweater by my nose. I really didnt care if anyone saw me..I had to protect myself.

dreaming maxi drivers..I press the bell meaning that I want to come out here AND pay you..doh be dreaming away when I want to give yuh yuh money..take it. I does wake them out of their reverie with one loud "HERE!"

non functioning bells or the music is so loud that you cant hear the bell....I must be getting old..I doh like maxis with hard pong no more..yeah, I used to wait for them when i was in sec school, but now, nah...hear my bell when I press it.
Also make sure that all the bells working. It's your vehicle, make sure it's operating properly.

men who cyah close they legs. NOTHING irks me more that a man who wants to open out his legs wide and take up a whole seat. I think that's unfair. My brother is a tall fella so you know what he does? He takes a taxi or if he needs to take a maxi, find a seat that is appropriate to his height. But NO! you want to open up your leg and take up the whole seat. Where am I supposed to sit, sir? on the half an inch of seat that you left me? Thanks but my ass is bigger that that...so I go around to make myself comfortable. Some get the hint, some dont ..*sigh*


Public transportation woes...do you have any?

well...cheesecake ice cream is really nice!!

I am such a Christmas scrooge eh...
they asking for $10 for decorations and I refuse to put any. I dont want to see the staffroom decorated. Keep it neutral as possible. Too many people asking me for money, $100 for luncheon, $14 for birthdays for the mnth, I went over my $20 limit for the phone so $28 was deducted from my salary. And now allyuh want $10???
STEUPS!

As an aside, that was a sweet piece of rain this morning. I lie down till about 25 to 7 and I hurried and got dressed. Jeans and top today yes!!
*sigh*
if only I took all my exam papers home, I would have stayed home today....

it always happens every term. At the start of the new term, I arrive all eager and excited and ready to go. I iron my clothes at night and pack my bag was well, and I am set for school. As I watch the page where I sign in I only see 7:10 7:15 down the line.

But as the term winds down and you realise that students are learing for one, and two, those same students that u take your time with and help them turn around and kick you in your back and tell you that you are getting fat...
well...you just dont feel like reaching to work early.

just as the bell rings is good enough.....yeah...7:40.....

I cannot be married to a celebrity..especially a hot, black, hot- bodied celebrity...I would want to chop every woman who oogling at him.

I mean, look at Kobe Bryant..handsome young man, successful at his sport. I always follow celeb gossip and I never saw anything about him in the news. When I heard he was charged with rape, I was so shocked, but didnt believe it. But when he admitted he comitted adultery, I was like NAH, NOT KOBE!

Then my thoughts went to his wife and how she must feel, having to hold his hand during the press conference as a sign of her support of her husband, when inside she probably was thinking, "This hand was on HER!!"..at least..I would have thought that.
He was with another woman..his penis was inside another woman even though he is married to me!!!

Would I ever be able to forgive my husband if he was unfaithful?? I dunno..that one is kinda hard..money or not, he still betrayed me.

I think they should amend those vows" Till death do us part." I mean, there should be a part saying "except in cases of infidelity"

I mean, did Kobe really need that p****y so bad? I wonder if his wife's face flashed through his mind as he penetrated that b***h? Did he think about his child? Wait..did he THINK at all???

But it takes two to clap not so? This girl MUST have known he was married. Nothing's wrong with stalking the guy, I mean, if I had the means, I would stalk Will Smith AND his hot wife Jada, but oh gosh, the man is married. Didnt that cross her mind too?
Why are women like that?? WHY??
Why cant we look out for one another?
Yuh had the sex..say in yuh mind..OH MY GOSH, I JUST HAD SEX WITH KOBE BRYANT! and done the talk nah! No, yuh had to accuse the man of rape....

Jeez boy!!!

I done yes..this real irritating me now yes....

Christmas time is near and that means gift shopping. I know what I will get my bf already. With my mother in the States, what CAN I give her that she already doesnt have access to? My sister and her husband..easy..niece...easy...brother ...money
I dont usually give anybody anything else for christmas..my family isnt like that really........

I hate cooking on Christmas Day...it means I have to make an effort to cook....BLEH...I'm buying the naparima's girls cookbook for myself...so maybe I might get inspiration to make something nice.....

Christmas will be nice this year..I wont be by myself....Since my mom left, I was alone for three Christmases...not this year...hee hee...

OK OK......... my movie morning was salvaged by a movie called "The Emperor's Club". It was a movie about a teacher played by Kevin Kline and the impact he had on his students. I guessed it made an impression on me since I am a teacher, but I think it is a great movie for anyone with two hours to spare.

The plot moves along quickly, script well written, everything was just well done. Kevin Kline could look back at this movie with pride.

The protagonist, Mr Hundert, was a history teacher and in his class, was a trouble student, Sedgwick Bell. He gave this student a chance and believed in him and in the end (as happens to us teachers) he was stabbed in the back.

I recommend u look at it. It's a good movie.

I was really disappointed in the movie "Punch Drunk Love" There were some elements in it that I liked: very different camera angles, use of music, etc..but all in all, it was a bit too confusing..it looked like the intro to "Anger Management." It's a good thing I DIDNT go to cinema to see that movie.

Right now I am watching a movie called "The Truth About Charlie"

eh...it doesnt really hold my interest even though Mark Wahlberg is looking SO sexy.

I'm a realy good listener. I listen to people without interrupting them which is something a lot of people cant do.

When I was single and real salting, i used to listen to people talk about their bf and what plans they have and all that kinda shit. I used to listen with patience and interest.


I will do what it takes to make sure my relationship lasts. Maybe God might have something in store for me, who knows..but I know that this is the man for me.



:x

There is a show on Lifetime called "merge". The premise is that there is couple who are recently married and move into a new house. Designers have to merge their styles together.
I really like it because it gives some really good ideas for decorating a home. Me now, I dont know my style. The stuff i have here is my mother's. It's only when I move into my own home it's then I'll see what my style is.

Now if my style and my bf's style were to be merged...well..who knows what they will come up with?

being a teacher means you have no privacy. At any point in time, anywhere you go, you can see a student.
One morning, my bf and I went to get breakfast. So before I left the car, I gave him a very nice long kiss and went to buy some doubles.
Now I saw a student of mine passing by. He is one of the most macocious students around. If his timing was better, well....he would have gotten something to talk about on Monday morning. And they would have made it known to me too.....

*sigh*

my boyfriend loves to play jokes. He plays on my soft side, so he would make a noise like he is in pain and then when I show concern,laugh.

I would go and buy something and then when I'm coming back in the car he would drive off, and laugh.

he just looks so adorable when he smiles..i cant even get mad....

well I started taking the "pastille" and so far so good. I thought I was going to gain weight but instead I have been told that I look like I am losing weight. Well yes..I love it.

Today wasnt so bad nah...the week is rounding off quite nicely.......

hhhmmmpphh....I laugh at myself these days..my perspective is all warped now....hahaha..it will straighten itself out soon.

i'm sorry

well today was a day when I should have just stayed in bed....
I got up with a headache and that just upset my day yes!!

*sigh*

as you get older things get tougher....
I remember one time I was going through a really rough time and I prayed to God because that is what I was accustomed doing whevever I feel bad. I prayed and I prayed and it seemed as if no relief was forthcoming.


Then I remember saying to God, "Praying to you is always a good thing, but sometimes I need a hug, a physical one. Provide me with someone who could give me hugs when I need them."
I thought he had forgotten me...



but he didnt. :)

last year I got a phone call at 6am on a Friday morning. This was one of the worst phone calls I got because I found out one of co workers was killed. Two Fridays after that I got phonecalls at exactly 6am. It was freaky. I was afraid to answer the phone for fear of receiving bad news.

My cell phone rings at 445 am this morning and this voice says "I calling you on your phonw now' with a sense of urgency. My heart started to beat real fast because I thought something happened.
It was my bf calling to tell me about something really cool that he did.

Well I was relieved no skin!!!

yuh ever had a phone call that scared yuh??

Dont you just hate:
- when you are going to pay a driver and he's just staring into space? I could keep my $3.50 yuh know

- people just make a big deal about nothing

-when exes trying to show how cool they are when really....you dont care?

- when food that you buy just doesnt taste as good as you know it can?

- when the water in your pipe is BROWN!!!

-when you are away from work ONE DAY and yuh find out the boss made decisions just so??



what else do you hate???

THE ANT AND THE CONTACT LENS

Brenda was a young woman who was invited to go rock climbing. Although she was scared to death, she went with her group to a tremendous granite cliff. In spite of her fear, she put on the gear, took a hold on the rope, and started up the face of that rock. Well, she got to a ledge where she could take a breather. As she was hanging on there, the safety rope snapped against Brenda's eye and knocked out her contact lens. Here she is on a rock ledge, with hundreds of feet below her and hundreds of feet above her. Of course, she looked and looked and looked, hoping it had landed on the ledge, but it just wasn't there. So here she was, far from home, her sight now blurry.

She was desperate and began to get upset, so she prayed to the Lord to help her to find it. When she got to the top, a friend examined her eye and her clothing for the lens, but there was no contact lens to be found. She sat down, despondent, with the rest of the party, waiting for the rest of them to make it up the face of the cliff. She looked out across range after range of mountains, thinking of that Bible verse that says, "The eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth." She thought, "Lord, You can see all these mountains. You know every stone and leaf, and You know exactly where my contact lens is. Please help me."

Finally, they walked down the trail to the bottom. At the bottom there was a new party climbers just starting up the face of the cliff. One of them shouted out, "Hey, you guys! Anybody lose a contact lens?"

Well, that would be startling enough, but you know why the climber saw it? An ant was moving slowly cross the face of the rock, carrying it! Brenda told me that her father is a cartoonist. When she told him the
incredible story of the ant, the prayer, and the contact lens, he drew a picture of an ant lugging that contact lens with the words, "Lord, I don't know why You want me to carry this thing. I can't eat it, and it's awfully heavy. But if this is what You want me to do, I'll carry it for You."

At the risk of being accused of being fatalistic, I think it would probably do some of us good to occasionally say, "God, I don't know why you want me to carry this load. I can see no good in it and it's awfully heavy. But, if you want me to carry it, I will." "God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called."

my day off is over *sigh* it was nice..really it was. I take consolation in the fact that there is a holiday next week Tuesday.

a scene in the previously mentioned movie showed one of the film's main characters killing her father saying " He was a bastard, but he was still my father."

yuh know a thought like that CANT compute in my head. I can tell you I know nothing about my father. He used to drink a lot, he used to read a lot of papers, he loves ole time calypso.

He was selfish and weak. He broke a lot of promises. He put some woman before his own children and she took all his money and left him high and dry. He's very set in his ways and is of the opinion that the children are supposed to show their love for their father. STEUPS.
I've done well so far without my father. My mother was both a mother and father to me and for that I will forvever grateful. I am the woman that I am because of her. I have seen the good things she has done and followed her example and I have seen the dumb things she has done and vowed never to do it.

Parents...*sigh* they can really mess you up...

I was watching a movie this morning called "the transporter".

One plus for the movie in mybook is that it was filmed in Europe. I loved the shots of Europe which is somewhere I hope to visit before I die. Then the cast was a very diverse one, which is another plus for me. The fight scenes and car chases were concise and didnt seem to go on for too long....but other than that, this movie was boring.The dialogue was so unimaginative. The collection of badly executed accents were grating on my nerves. Imagine I got up in the middle of it to wash dishes :O

Let's just say it's something to watch when you really dont have anything else to do. :S

AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!
STEUPS!

ok..today is going to be a good day because I got up and cleaned out my room a lil bit. I am not the neatest person in the world AT ALL> My mother used to insist that we put back things that we have used and she was so mental about it. Now that she's not around...well...I take full advantage of it.

Yesterday I take my time and cook my lunch. My brother lie around whole day in his room to surface and ask for lunch. I wanted to tell him no so bad. But obviously I cant.
How is that fair? is only two of us here. There must be something to do..sweep the kitchen, sweep out the gallery, water the plants..but no..sticks up in his room all day. I am so NOT going to here for Christmas and I am not cooking anything for Christmas day. Let him figure out how to do things for once. His mother spoiled him to death. Let her take him yes. I tired and fed up. Doh do nothing...*steups*

why do these lil boys have crushes on me? I wish I could see me thru their eyes. what is so crushable? I just go to class, teach and leave. I talk to them, ask them how they are going..that's it...
but I have to remember they are going thru puberty. So anything goes.....

The older ones now,well they like to pips me. I doh take them on though. I answer their greetings of good morning. If they tell me they like my outfit, i say thank you ( i mean, it's only manners right?) but any other comments I have to deal with in a harsh manner to get the point across that it should not be done.
I know one comes up to me with the most inane questions. *sigh*

now if I were a 15 y o girl..I would be happy. But students....eh....

For once on a Sunday I woke up early without having to go to church and I
heard my neighbours playing this song..it's just so perfect...


One look in your eyes and there I see
Just what you mean to me
Here in my heart I believe
Your love is all I’ll ever need
Holdin’ you close through the night
I need you, yeah

I look in your eyes and there I see
What happiness really means
The love that we share makes life so sweet
Together we’ll always be
This pledge of love feels so right
And, ooh, I need you

Here and now
I promise to love faithfully [Faithfully]
You’re all I need
Here and now
I vow to be one with thee [You and me], hey
Your love is all [I need] I need

Say, yeah, yeah...

When I look in your eyes, there I’ll see
All that a love should really be
And I need you more and more each day
Nothin’ can take your love away
More than I dare to dream
I need you

Here and now
I promise to love faithfully [Faithfully]
You're all I need
Here and now
I vow to be one with thee [You and me], yeah
Your love is all I need

[Starting here] Ooh, and I’m starting now
I believe [I believe in love], I believe
[Starting here] I’m starting right here
[Starting now] Right now because I believe in your love
So I’m glad to take the vow

Here and now, oh
I promise to love faithfully [Faithfully]
You’re all I need
Here and now, yeah
I vow to be one with thee [You and me], yeah
Your love is all I need

I, hey...yeah...yeah...hey...
Uh, hey...
I-I, love is all I need
Ooh...ooh...yeah...
Yeah...yeah...hey...yeah...yeah...
Love is all I need
Ooh...ooh...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Oh
Hey...yeah
Hey...yeah...


here and now- Luther Vandross

you are a remarkable person to have settled Glenn's spirit

really? how was he before?


Well he was Glenn but you sensed that something deeply disturbed him he was angry a lot and distanced; now his karma/spirit is warmer; it seems like very little could topple his world and he appreciated you a WHOLE WHOLE lot because of what you have done for him and how much you care for him

This is the best thing anyone ever told me...

well, I have decided to take a day off tomorrow. I really cant take being in that place sometimes. The people suck big time. *sigh* I love my job but as the staff gets bigger, it seems as if ppl grow more apart. I miss the intimacy of the first year.

I dont like to see children unhappy and my day was full of that. A boy in my class wasnt coming to school. He was spending the day in the Chaguanas library. His mother spanked him and he threatened to commit suicide if he got licks again.
Then the U14 foot ball team didnt play well at all.....they sucked..that was the worst they ever played....

I'm not a magician nah...only a teacher....

I am really a selfish person. I really am.

I give of my time to children who are not my own, but for my brother, I dont have the least desire to talk to. It's not that I dont love him..but I just wish he were with his parents. He needs parents. His mother only calls me when she wants something done..like tonight...STEUPS...

I do my part..he has a roof over his head, he has food to eat, money to travel, he has cable to watch...everything else, let his parents provide for nah.

I now trying to establish a life for myself. I'm in a new relationship and I want to work on it and spend time with my bf..some ALONE time...

Mommy just doesnt know how annoying she is sometimes...if u want things done, do them for yourself. She will flip to know that I am not spending Christmas Day home...but so what?? It's my life...right?

I keep singing the same song over and over....all that shit I doh ask yuh to buy...flowers for the dining table..NOBODY EATS THERE!!!! and then she does want to talk about the sacrifices that she makes.

yuh know what? YOU give him the fifty dollars, not me....nobody doh help me..if yuh want him to have the money, YOU give him....leave me outta that......

Let me talk about my boyfriend, Glenn. He is the sweetest man.

We started talking because I was very curious.(heh heh heh) We started talking on MSN and the conversations flowed well. But it seemed as if when we limed in person, things just didnt mesh well and the conversations never flowed. I wondered if "this" would die a slow death...when vacation time is over.
But we got closer and closer..I confided a lot of things to him, and he reciprocated.

yuh wouldnt believe how our first kiss was...
I was very sick and Glenn came over to bring me fruits and ice cream...I was thanking him for the stuff.. then I noticed a strange look in his eyes..then he pulled me towards him and I KNEW right then he was going to lay it on me...and that he did. WOWSER!!!
I was pleasantly surprised..I recall saying to him after..."this cant happen after today ok??
EH HEH?? I cant wait for that man to kiss me now...hee hee

we have had our ups and downs eh...we really have..but the good thing about us is that we resolve things in a timely manner. So cool....I dont think we go longer than a day being mad at each other.

This is different..I can feel it. I have never felt like this about anyone. I tell him everything, good or bad...I now know what it's like to have a best friend...This is real..this is true....

with my previous boyfriend, I could never depend on him the way I can with Glenn.

He is just the best..simply the best...

Today I just did not feel like going to work, but it was an ok day. Nothing too unusual happened. I tried making instant mashed potatoes. It is an acquired taste. It wasn't so bad.......

there is a bakery in El Socorro that makes some real BOSS turnovers!! Hear nah..I with my greedy self stop off to buy today. I used to real like Lucky's turnonvers but then they started to get real hard!!!
YUCK!!

Right now I just trying to work myself up to go and do some work but.....i think I'll just lie down for a while.....just a lil while.....

THE CARPENTER

An elderly carpenter was ready to retire. He told his employer-contractor of his plans to leave the house-building business and live a more leisurely life with his wife, enjoying his extended family. He would miss the paycheck, but he needed to retire. They could get by.

The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go and asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor. The carpenter said yes, but in time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work. He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials. It was an unfortunate way to end a dedicated career.

When the carpenter finished his work the employer came to inspect the house. He handed the front-door key to the carpenter. "This is your house," he said, "my gift to you." The carpenter was shocked! What a shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it all so differently.

So it is with us. We build our lives, a day at a time, often putting less than our best into the building. Then with a shock we realize we have to live in the house we have built. If we could do it over, we'd do it much differently. But we cannot go back.

You are the carpenter. Each day you hammer a nail, place a board, or erect a wall. "Life is a do-it-yourself project," someone has said. Your attitudes and the choices you make today, build the "house" you live in tomorrow. Build wisely!
_

I was watching a True Life episode on MTV about Friends with benefits. I could identify seriously with that. I was like the first girl..I can't remember her name. We were/ are friends, but the physical chemistry at least for me was very strong. I couldnt just sit there and NOT touch him. It used to drive me mad. he had a calmness that I found so appealing, so attractive.

We hardly used to lime ouside my place and if we did see each other in public, I always felt awkward. There was a time that I was content with how things were..he pass by me whenever he had time and do whatever. I actually thought I was in love.

Now this guy was really sweet and he did care but, as he always said, I wanted more than he could give..and he was so right.

The outcome of this is that he is my friend right now and I care for him deeply..that wont change.
But also right now there is someone in my life who is giving exactly what i need and so much more...so much MORE.

Sunday is going to be a busy day. I have exams to set and clothes to wash...jeezan!!!

Right now my TV is on TBN..channel 9. There was a time when I used to watch this station ALL the time. Now I just watch it occasionally. Living in this world and being a TRUE Christian is hard. So many temptations....
When I used to go on my retreats, I never wanted to leave because I knew that as soon as I re-entered the real world, that good feeling I had would be gone.

God is a good God. I prayed for a boyfriend to treat me that way that I deserve to be treated and I FINALLY got him. I had to deal with some BSers along the way. But all that has made me into the person that I am now.
Life has been tough...living with a father who drank alcohol and was at least abusive to us on three occasions that I remember...my mother moving out and had to support us on one salary..THAT was tough....moving back with my father because my mother didn't want us living with her anymore....then finally moving back here.....which is when my life started to clam down a bit for me.

It still gets a bit frustrating..but I have my baby in my corner...and that helps a lot. His love and support mean a lot to me. If only he could truly understand how it helps...*MUAH* :)

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